All the women in my family have this “problem” with putting others over ourselves in almost every situation, and while to an outsider this may seem like the result of great upbringing and essentially “the right thing” to do, it actually ends up hurting people we love most.
I have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder which is very much under control now, but I know, from doing the work, that stress is a major trigger for my anxiety.
Maybe you can relate through this situation. Have you ever let your house get so dirty and messy that when you finally decide to clean it you take one look at the mess and decide to lay in the pile of couch laundry and watch Netflix instead?
Now imagine that Netflix was not an option, your only option is to run from room to room lost in the mess and making no progress, maybe even making more mess and your cell phone is ringing but you can’t find it in all the clutter. That overwhelming feeling of not knowing where to start is a constant when my anxiety is triggered and the wanting to just “lay in the laundry” is my way of hiding from the problem until it gets thrown in my face again.
When I am in an anxious state not only is it bad for me, because I feel horrible, but the people I am closest to also suffer. My anxiety makes me want to be left alone and frequently I will push everyone away. I am quiet and restless. I can’t concentrate. I don’t sleep and feel continuously on the verge of crying.
To be honest, I have been somewhat waiting expectantly for my anxiety to rear its ugly head with everything that is going on this year. Planning a wedding, getting married(yes, those are two different things), buying a house… this is stressful for anyone!
To combat the potential anxiety I’ve been planning everything WAY in advance, I mean like WAY in advance. I pretty much had the wedding vendors and venue all done by June, 6 months ahead of schedule. Yet last week, what felt like out of nowhere, the anxiety hit.
I started to hermit. I was coming home after work and instead of making dinner or talking
to JZ about his day, I just slept. I didn’t want to do anything. The most I could muster was to move myself to the couch to watch some Olympics but even then it was hard to keep my head up.
Sunday I stayed up late talking to JZ about it and he asked me how I was feeling and then randomly he asked me to do to do something for him.
He asked me to take care of myself.
He hit the nail on the head. I’ve been so concerned about things like wedding invitations and when the slab for our new house is going to be poured that I forgot to take care of number 1, myself.
So this week and weekend is all about getting me back on track. Don’t get me wrong, I am still working on wedding stuff but I am also making time for myself so that I can be the best me for JZ.
Love to all,